My 1 year old boy is a hands full baby. Extremely naughty and
hyper active. Sleep is his distant friend. 24/7 is just not enough for play.
I’m a full time mom and I also have help during the day to take care of my boy.
In spite of that I’m exhausted every single day. Being at work would be easy
and in fact have been looking out for opportunities.
I have always had elders advising me to have another baby soon,
so the difficulties of upbringing my babies would pass soon and I can get back
to work. But I being me have always been adamant that I will not have another
baby until my little man turns 3. My reason, I don’t want my first born to be
deprived of any attention because of another little one. My reasons are fair
and I stuck to it until this day.
2 months after my son turned one I found out I was pregnant.
This was the last thing I expected. I was petrified. Freaked out a little. And
then suddenly I was excited. I felt guilty and was happy at the same time. I
was going to be a mom again. Baby 2 was coming soon.
It was going to be beautiful. I don’t have to feel guilty. Its
destiny maybe and that’s how things work. Pregnancy was the best phase of my
life and I had an easy breezy pregnancy with my first born. I have loved every
single day of those 40 weeks. And guess what! I was going to have the best
phase again. My husband freaked out a little too, but was happy. The feeling of
being a mom again sunk in so soon this time. I was prepared and started
planning for my baby’s arrival. I had started thinking of how my baby movements
would feel , how my little boy would react and how it would feel to hold a new
born again and so much more. Things were just perfect. Until...
I was 6 weeks pregnant and started noticing spotting. I had it
during my first pregnancy and kept a watch of my discharge. Things turned a
little messy when I started bleeding. I had just negative thoughts gushing into
my head, I knew something was wrong. It was midnight and we rushed to the ER.
My gynecologist prescribed Progesterone injection and some tablets to sustain.
She said I would be Okay the baby was gonna be OK too. We were relieved, there
was hope.
The next 2 days were not great as I was sick and the bleeding
had not stopped. We went back to the ER and were advised to get an early
Pregnancy Scan and that’s when we realized there was no heart beat.
My heart sank. I was disappointed in myself. I tried to be
strong but I did break down. The thought of my baby (though a size of a pepper
bead) with no sign of life in my womb, hurt. I had my husband on my side just
saying positive things and put up a strong face.
It still hurts. I was guilty. Was it because I was petrified
when I found out I was pregnant, did I do something wrong. Was I not careful? I
was just 6 weeks pregnant.
My doctor did explain it was quite common. A natural process
where my body decides to not go forward with the pregnancy as it does not
support. But I couldn’t stop feeling guilty and kept blaming myself. I wanted
my baby. I was sad, angry and irritated. How could this happen to me!.
I calmed myself and
thought it over. It was the chromosomes who decided to end my pregnancy, not
me. I don’t have to be guilty and I don’t have to blame myself. It’s over. I
need to get over it and move on. I need to take care of myself so I can have
another baby. I had to let it go.
I have no clue when I
grew to be a mother. It just happens, the feelings you have for your baby is
something we just cannot explain. The strength we have is unbelievable. To all
the mothers who have had a miscarriage, it’s OK. Do not blame yourself. Instead
take care and prepare your body for another healthy pregnancy. We do not
deserve to be blamed, by us or by anybody else.
I may not completely get over this. I lost of tiny part of me.
But it’s ok. I have a bigger better part of me, right here. Running around me
and making me run errands.
”You will know one day
when you become a mother yourself” Now, maybe I understand what this means.
Losing a baby is never easy not even when it’s over before it started.
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