Miscarriage-It was over before it started

My 1 year old boy is a hands full baby. Extremely naughty and hyper active. Sleep is his distant friend. 24/7 is just not enough for play. I’m a full time mom and I also have help during the day to take care of my boy. In spite of that I’m exhausted every single day. Being at work would be easy and in fact have been looking out for opportunities.

I have always had elders advising me to have another baby soon, so the difficulties of upbringing my babies would pass soon and I can get back to work. But I being me have always been adamant that I will not have another baby until my little man turns 3. My reason, I don’t want my first born to be deprived of any attention because of another little one. My reasons are fair and I stuck to it until this day.

2 months after my son turned one I found out I was pregnant. This was the last thing I expected. I was petrified. Freaked out a little. And then suddenly I was excited. I felt guilty and was happy at the same time. I was going to be a mom again. Baby 2 was coming soon.

It was going to be beautiful. I don’t have to feel guilty. Its destiny maybe and that’s how things work. Pregnancy was the best phase of my life and I had an easy breezy pregnancy with my first born. I have loved every single day of those 40 weeks. And guess what! I was going to have the best phase again. My husband freaked out a little too, but was happy. The feeling of being a mom again sunk in so soon this time. I was prepared and started planning for my baby’s arrival. I had started thinking of how my baby movements would feel , how my little boy would react and how it would feel to hold a new born again and so much more. Things were just perfect. Until...

I was 6 weeks pregnant and started noticing spotting. I had it during my first pregnancy and kept a watch of my discharge. Things turned a little messy when I started bleeding. I had just negative thoughts gushing into my head, I knew something was wrong. It was midnight and we rushed to the ER. My gynecologist prescribed Progesterone injection and some tablets to sustain. She said I would be Okay the baby was gonna be OK too. We were relieved, there was hope.

The next 2 days were not great as I was sick and the bleeding had not stopped. We went back to the ER and were advised to get an early Pregnancy Scan and that’s when we realized there was no heart beat.

My heart sank. I was disappointed in myself. I tried to be strong but I did break down. The thought of my baby (though a size of a pepper bead) with no sign of life in my womb, hurt. I had my husband on my side just saying positive things and put up a strong face.

It still hurts. I was guilty. Was it because I was petrified when I found out I was pregnant, did I do something wrong. Was I not careful? I was just 6 weeks pregnant.

My doctor did explain it was quite common. A natural process where my body decides to not go forward with the pregnancy as it does not support. But I couldn’t stop feeling guilty and kept blaming myself. I wanted my baby. I was sad, angry and irritated. How could this happen to me!.

 I calmed myself and thought it over. It was the chromosomes who decided to end my pregnancy, not me. I don’t have to be guilty and I don’t have to blame myself. It’s over. I need to get over it and move on. I need to take care of myself so I can have another baby. I had to let it go.

 I have no clue when I grew to be a mother. It just happens, the feelings you have for your baby is something we just cannot explain. The strength we have is unbelievable. To all the mothers who have had a miscarriage, it’s OK. Do not blame yourself. Instead take care and prepare your body for another healthy pregnancy. We do not deserve to be blamed, by us or by anybody else.

I may not completely get over this. I lost of tiny part of me. But it’s ok. I have a bigger better part of me, right here. Running around me and making me run errands.

”You will know one day when you become a mother yourself” Now, maybe I understand what this means. Losing a baby is never easy not even when it’s over before it started.

Traditional Kodava Food: The warrior race

The Kodavas, a small race of tribes who inherit rich culture and tradition, belong to the district called Kodagu or Coorg of South India. Coorg is a beautiful hill station, surrounded by greenery in the Western Ghats of south India, also known as the “Scotland of India”. The Coffee plantation and paddy fields gives us an even better picturesque of Coorg.

Manicured Coffee Plantation

The Kodava’s are warm and hospitable folks. They are known as warriors and the only community in India that’s allowed to carry guns without permits. They are as much known for their love for good food.

Like the people, they also have a unique cuisine. Nooputtu (steamed rice noodles), Paputtu (steamed rice cake with grated coconut), Kadambuttu (steamed rice balls), Akki Otti (rice flat bread), Pandhi Curry (Pork Curry), Koli Curry (Chicken Curry), Kembu Curry (Kembu is a species of edible colocasia and belongs to the family of ALOCASIA MACRORRHIZA. The fresh shoots of Kembu are cooked to make a curry), Kumme Curry( wild mushrooms), Baimbale Curry(bamboo shoots), Kumbala curry(Pumpkin Curry),Chekke Curry( raw jackfruit curry) Kaade Mange curry( wild mango curry), Koile Meene Curry( Tiny Fish curry)and many more wild and locally available greens and vegetables. Koovaleputtu (savoury item made from ripe jackfruit, steamed in banana leaves) is among the favorites.

The best part, these delicacies are always eaten with their favorite combinations. For example Kadambuttu & Pandhi curry Otti & Kumme Curry / Kembu Curry, Nooputtu & koli Curry etc…

Nooputtu & Koli Curry

Kadambuttu & Pandhi Curry

Most food cooked by the Kodavas is steamed as it is healthy and requires no use of oil. Rice is a staple and is grown locally; hence you see most food made with steamed rice. The food that Kodavas eat is grown by them or is the ones that are naturally available. The pattern of food eaten by the Kodavas is mostly to suit the cold climate and the availability in the region. Season dictates what the Kodavas eat. Bamboo shoots are out in the rainy season and that’s when we get fresh shoots which are chopped and soaked in water for 2 days before it is cooked. Mushroom sprout out after the first rains with thunder storms. Wild Mangos are plucked during May, the peak mango season and is also preserved in barrels of salt water for the rest of the year.

Apart from this, every Kodava is a coffee lover and freshly brewed filter coffee is a staple in every household. Black coffee with jaggery is also loved and has been a favorite traditionally. Coffee is widely grown in Coorg and is a major source of income and that proves their love for Coffee.

Kachampuli, black vinegar made from the kokum fruit is used to cook Pork curry and other non vegetarian delicacies as a substitute for Vinegar or Lime. Kachampuli and green chilies are used as it cuts fat in the body.

Kodavas are also known to make their own wine at home, be it rice, gooseberry, grapes or chikku. Most Kodavas make the best wine.

Ancient Kodava men went hunting for wild Boars. The meat would be sun dried and stored for the rest of the year. Wanke Pandi yarchi(dried pork meat) is one of the most savored dish among the Coorgs. Serve it with a glass of good wine or Whisky, and you wouldn’t see a happier face. Coorg men and women enjoy their drink as much as their food.

Born to a Kodava family, I couldn’t be more proud. One of the best cuisines’s; today, not just the Kodavas, but their food as well is popular.

Now is the time…Maybe!!

Years have passed! I have been married for over 5 years, mother of a baby boy, went on a couple of vacations, changed jobs, moved cities and went through a lot of drama in life.

These ups and downs of life are what that teaches us to be better people. In fact, one thing I have learnt is to stop worrying and let go off people who don’t value you, easily said than done. But if practiced gives us a lot of peace of mind.

About 3 years back we moved to Bangalore. That was the time we were just settling down with our lives in Mysore .My job, though I didn’t like it much, was going well. My husband wasn’t very happy with his and we took a call to move to Bangalore and look for better career opportunities.

This was new for both of us. Bangalore was new, He had just landed in a job and I did not have one. We moved in to an extra room in one of the rented apartments of his uncles. We just had started looking for a house of our own. I stayed there for about 15 days; but those 15 days a lot changed in my life. From living in a 3BHK duplex to a 1 room, having a decent job to not being employed and struggling to find a job , having the facilities to cook and eat whatever I want to being dependent on a small restaurant and most of all worried about being able to manage our finances for the next couple of months. The Rent, the deposit, etc etc..

It wasn’t long, but I was scared every minute. I was scared if we would find a decent house, a job for me and so many things going on in my mind. But, very soon within those 15 days, I landed a good job, we found a beautiful home and moved in and our life just sprang back to normal; before we realized…

It was then I realized that destiny has its own plan. Worrying doesn’t help. And a feeling of how people manage their struggles sunk in a little. And most of all, the 15 days bought me closer to my husband.

When I think back now, it wasn’t real struggle…But being in that moment of worry it did feel like and having experienced that changed a lot of things for me. I have always believed that it’s the unexpected that changes our lives, Trust me, It so does!...So if we want to do something and we feel , now is the time…then so be it…

 

First sunset from my home in Bangalore

Time: never waits

We all are in the fast phased life, where we don’t even realize time has flown by. Sometimes I just stop and think back of all the times I have enjoyed and cherished and then I think; where are those days gone!!… What am I doing to myself now?

I have been married for almost two years now.

For a lot of reasons I chose to get back into the fast phased life again though I had an option to relax and enjoy being lazy, read as many books as possible, bake a lot and so on...But, I wanted to get back to working. I like it this way, and of course it’s costing me big time.

I really don’t get time for myself, leave alone reading a book… I already feel I’m missing so much in life …I almost forgot my Dad’s birthday this year. When my sister reminded me I pretended like I remembered…I never used  to forget birthdays… and now I’m like, it’s ok…let it be…I just forgot a Birthday!

Last night I was talking to my husband and suddenly realized that, it’s been really long since I laughed till my stomach aches … And guess what; I’m craving for that,…Oh Yes!...there was a time I hated to laugh so much, I was embarrassed all the time while I went all teary while I laughed…And now I want it…

As I write this I can think of so many other things I’m missed because of my fast phased life... the list will never end

I couldn’t even spend some good time with friends when they were in town!

Priorities have changed… Friends can wait! ... That’s the scene today.

And yes. We are only waiting for the next wedding to happen to meet up.

 So what after the last wedding? We never meet? I don’t know about that;

Whatever it is, we all can wait…but time will never do so. Cribbing doesn’t help.

 I think its high time we stop; think about what we want; do what we want; spend money like millionaires; dance away to glory; read books; eat as much without being weight conscious; get a manicure; color your hair (Who cares if you look like a peacock); plan a holiday… And just laugh out loud… till your stomach aches and tears roll down and whatever…..

And along with all that you love to do, hug your loved one so tight every day, like it’s your last time… Someday, only thinking of it will put a smile on your face

Let us live !!!

What’s with this rape every single day?...Why are babies being raped?... What is so joyful about hurting a baby girl??... Why don’t desperate men go in for prostitution and satisfy themselves!!...

There is so much going around us…awareness on rape is everywhere: yet we are helpless, every second day we read about a girl being raped and half the victims are minors; the fantasy of the culprit is to insert a bottle, an iron rod and what not!!...what kind of people are they!!…I don’t feel them calling animals too; it might just turn out to be an insult to the animal clad.

Why can’t law get strict? Why isn’t law taken seriously? …Why don’t people respect law?...Is India going to live all its life just like this; Knowing the bad and not knowing what to do to avoid the bad??...Why can’t women be treated any better? Do these men believe that women are not worth any better? Or is it because men claim to be superior in this society that they treat women this way! How do you think a 4 year old baby girl can provoke Rape?

Will these questions ever be answered??

The Delhi rape episode was more like a motivational factor for so many culprits; these desperate culprits are just following the same trend and there has been no stop from then.

I fear. I definitely live a secure life, but I still fear. I get restless when my little sister gets late to reach home, I fear every single day!!...It is not just I who fear, every women of this country does

For heaven’s sake Spare the innocent babies, Spare us women. Let us live a normal life…Let us live a life without fear.

JUST LET US LIVE.

Coorg Wedding:)

It’s a joy to attend a Coorg wedding…especially when it’s a family wedding, the fun is unlimited…A few pictures from my cousins  wedding…   


Bride leaves her home:)



What’s more important!!!

I have always been the one who have sorted out my priorities pretty well (at least I think so). In fact things get easier for me. It’s all about what you want right! …And my wants stand out “bright and clear” out of the crowd...Never did it get difficult for me to decide what I want; be it anything!!… Unless I have to choose between two things which I love the most and that’s when I go ask for a piece of mind from someone I feel is the best to talk to…If I get a good piece of advice I would be the happiest of all, of course end of the day I go with my gut feeling.

So naturally I started expecting the same from the people around me…I have always been telling them the same “Think what’s more important”!!…

Maybe it’s not a cake walk, but it’s not rocket science either…All it requires is a strong heart and a feeling of ‘want’.

…But work has conquered the feeling of “Want”; sorting out priorities has taken a back stage, Commitments can’t be kept up, Relationships have to wait and so on. Of course we have it at the back of our head, but we don’t have the time to give it the importance it requires.

All we do is work and slog our life out, forgetting about what’s more important. And maybe by the time we realize it, it will be too late and there is no going back…again we end up regretting.

I have always believed that you need a luck factor when it comes to “work and career”…I don’t think it’s the same when it comes to your relationships and family. You can’t have luck there…all it needs is “Us”.

So it’s rather better we keep our self, our personal commitments and our relationships prior to work and give it the value and importance it requires before it takes a back stage.

Your relationships can be made to increase in value by investing more time in them. - Brian Tracy

Akshatha This time: A Beautiful Wedlock:)

I was back in Mangalore to witness another sweetheart being married…The second wedding in the row, and this time it was the sweetest smile on earth being married.

It was special again...Of course the usual fact that it gets special when we meet up, all the married girls were accompanied by their hubbies which was really nice (we aren’t really used to it;), but the addition of Hubbies did not change anything for us and that’s really really niceJ), and this time I had my family join me as wellJ…its one of those rare occasions where I’m very happy and excited about my parents being around:pJ……

And Like always there was so much I was looking forward,…I couldn’t wait to see the pretty bride, the bride’s very adorable mom and the newlyweds ”Prajna and Guru”.

 

We get dressed, manage to click a few pictures here and there and finally reach the venue…The excitement to see Akshatha was at its peak…we enter and at a distance I see the pretty, decked up bride on the Mantap smiling end to endJ, There was this glow on her face and there was nothing around worth looking at other than her face…I guess it was just her smile and that glow which made the whole event more beautiful(It isn’t any exaggeration, the pictures prove it all), I couldn’t take my eyes off her for long…,frankly all of us smiled for a while looking at her …Beautiful ,graceful, adorable and what more, to Compliment all of it was her very handsome groom besides her…Just soo Perfect!!!!

 

For me the smile she put up was not just about being happy but also about being brave and putting up a sense of comfort for the family…I’m sure there was a feeling of anxiousness within her. But looking at her, everything felt happy and perfect for me and maybe allJJ…That’s how she has always beenJJ…thumbs up for that!!!

It’s definitely a wedding I will cherish…You made a very beautiful Bride Akshatha. Hope you smile does a lot of good to you. Happy married life to you two. You both make a wonderful wonderful Couple…Big Big Hugs Aks…We love youJJ

 

And yes…The married Status to Prajna did not really change much;)…Keep the Madness going Praj..We love you for that...muuaaah..

Wedlock: A Graceful occasion, a reunion!!:)

I pack my bags and rush out of office to board a bus to Mangalore. A place which is very close to my heart. Excited and anxious about how things would happen the next day, for me, for my friends and for the Bride to be.

Finally arrive in Mangalore a little late then what I had expected; all set to attend the most talked about wedding among us friends. Excited I was and excited were my friends JJ…I rush to a friends place, smiling end to end with the excitement all over me…enter to see beautifully decked up girls and a few getting ready draping sarees, make up etc etc...Wow!!...frankly, for a moment I wanted to just admire them, alas I dint have much time for that…You know how it is when you are happy, excited, can’t stop smiling and in a hurry to get dressed for the wedding you have been waiting!!!...it gets a little confusing then and feels Awesome when you think of it now JJJ!!!!!

Yet again we all decided to go silk (the first time was for an event in college).And there we were to witness one more best friend of ours being marriedJJJ…Amazing it was, with all the customs, the tradition, the smile on the grooms face, “the ‘blushing’, ‘smiling’ bride”, the laughter around, the flashes, the music, the flowers, the gold, the silk, the glitter and the perfect happy atmosphere. What made things more perfect for me was all of US friends being together JJJ…Everything was just so beautiful!!!!

praj and guru prasad

Of course I felt a few emotional moments when I saw Prajna hold back her tears and just smiling gracefully…Probably it’s a moment which every bride would remember all her life. A moment of change, newness and full of mixed emotions…Hmmm!!!!......I couldn’t stop thinking of the crazy cranky, naughty Prajna from college. Things change soo much for us girls!!…

Anyways!!…it’s a part of life and I wish this change and the new part of life gets even better and more beautiful for all of us….Being with this group of friends has always been the best time for meJJ(I mention it all the time, and I don’t mind talking about it every single time I get a reason to talk about it)…bringing in more memories, cracking more silly jokes, irritating each other, cribbing about stuff etc etc…The best part still is nothing has changed between us, and I love this fact, in fact all of us doJJ…

And yeah!!...with one more reunion we have more memories in store…Love you all.

We wish you a very happy married Life “Prajna and Guru Prasad”...Wish you a life of happiness and togethernessJJ…love you PrajJJ

The Reception Picture

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……and I was in love:):)

Do we really know when to fall in love!!.....it happens before you realize and when you know; you are in love!…and its soo lovely!!JJJ….It happened to me as well, like I said, one day I realize “I’m in love”JJ…Truly, Madly, Deeply!! JJJJ…I did feel lovely and I have always said, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me!!!…

My love, my then classmate, sometimes one of the most annoying guys in class I thought, also did think he was kinda sweet, naughty and MAD… I’m still not sure what made me say ‘yes’, When I did not know If I was really in love and if I was doing the right think with my “YES” … all I knew was I could trust this guy and I should JJ………

It wasn’t like love at first sight for me…I must say I hardly felt any ‘love’ sort of thing when we started dating……I wasn’t sure where my relationship would lead me to,I Blindly trusted him……and eventually I had a best friend and I fell in love with my best friendJJ……

It has definitely been a roller coaster ride for us so far, with so many surprises and so much happening in our life’s…Being in a long distance relationship for years, an unplanned MBA in the same college, not able to talk to each other for days, being classmates to being best friends, having the best of times together and of course so much more in all these years. All I can say is I have grown to know him better and to love him more every single dayJ…

…And now as its officially announced, I somehow feel there is something new, something more special and something different……It feels good and it feels like I’m in love all over againJJ…

The Golden Trianlge pictures-Incredible India!!




Hawa MAhal

 

interiors of hawa mahal



 



Amer fort




JAl MAhal



City Palace

red fort,Delhi



Delhi



Taj entrance

Qutab Minar

Amer fort, jaipur

Pushkar Temple

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