Miscarriage-It was over before it started

My 1 year old boy is a hands full baby. Extremely naughty and hyper active. Sleep is his distant friend. 24/7 is just not enough for play. I’m a full time mom and I also have help during the day to take care of my boy. In spite of that I’m exhausted every single day. Being at work would be easy and in fact have been looking out for opportunities.

I have always had elders advising me to have another baby soon, so the difficulties of upbringing my babies would pass soon and I can get back to work. But I being me have always been adamant that I will not have another baby until my little man turns 3. My reason, I don’t want my first born to be deprived of any attention because of another little one. My reasons are fair and I stuck to it until this day.

2 months after my son turned one I found out I was pregnant. This was the last thing I expected. I was petrified. Freaked out a little. And then suddenly I was excited. I felt guilty and was happy at the same time. I was going to be a mom again. Baby 2 was coming soon.

It was going to be beautiful. I don’t have to feel guilty. Its destiny maybe and that’s how things work. Pregnancy was the best phase of my life and I had an easy breezy pregnancy with my first born. I have loved every single day of those 40 weeks. And guess what! I was going to have the best phase again. My husband freaked out a little too, but was happy. The feeling of being a mom again sunk in so soon this time. I was prepared and started planning for my baby’s arrival. I had started thinking of how my baby movements would feel , how my little boy would react and how it would feel to hold a new born again and so much more. Things were just perfect. Until...

I was 6 weeks pregnant and started noticing spotting. I had it during my first pregnancy and kept a watch of my discharge. Things turned a little messy when I started bleeding. I had just negative thoughts gushing into my head, I knew something was wrong. It was midnight and we rushed to the ER. My gynecologist prescribed Progesterone injection and some tablets to sustain. She said I would be Okay the baby was gonna be OK too. We were relieved, there was hope.

The next 2 days were not great as I was sick and the bleeding had not stopped. We went back to the ER and were advised to get an early Pregnancy Scan and that’s when we realized there was no heart beat.

My heart sank. I was disappointed in myself. I tried to be strong but I did break down. The thought of my baby (though a size of a pepper bead) with no sign of life in my womb, hurt. I had my husband on my side just saying positive things and put up a strong face.

It still hurts. I was guilty. Was it because I was petrified when I found out I was pregnant, did I do something wrong. Was I not careful? I was just 6 weeks pregnant.

My doctor did explain it was quite common. A natural process where my body decides to not go forward with the pregnancy as it does not support. But I couldn’t stop feeling guilty and kept blaming myself. I wanted my baby. I was sad, angry and irritated. How could this happen to me!.

 I calmed myself and thought it over. It was the chromosomes who decided to end my pregnancy, not me. I don’t have to be guilty and I don’t have to blame myself. It’s over. I need to get over it and move on. I need to take care of myself so I can have another baby. I had to let it go.

 I have no clue when I grew to be a mother. It just happens, the feelings you have for your baby is something we just cannot explain. The strength we have is unbelievable. To all the mothers who have had a miscarriage, it’s OK. Do not blame yourself. Instead take care and prepare your body for another healthy pregnancy. We do not deserve to be blamed, by us or by anybody else.

I may not completely get over this. I lost of tiny part of me. But it’s ok. I have a bigger better part of me, right here. Running around me and making me run errands.

”You will know one day when you become a mother yourself” Now, maybe I understand what this means. Losing a baby is never easy not even when it’s over before it started.

Traditional Kodava Food: The warrior race

The Kodavas, a small race of tribes who inherit rich culture and tradition, belong to the district called Kodagu or Coorg of South India. Coorg is a beautiful hill station, surrounded by greenery in the Western Ghats of south India, also known as the “Scotland of India”. The Coffee plantation and paddy fields gives us an even better picturesque of Coorg.

Manicured Coffee Plantation

The Kodava’s are warm and hospitable folks. They are known as warriors and the only community in India that’s allowed to carry guns without permits. They are as much known for their love for good food.

Like the people, they also have a unique cuisine. Nooputtu (steamed rice noodles), Paputtu (steamed rice cake with grated coconut), Kadambuttu (steamed rice balls), Akki Otti (rice flat bread), Pandhi Curry (Pork Curry), Koli Curry (Chicken Curry), Kembu Curry (Kembu is a species of edible colocasia and belongs to the family of ALOCASIA MACRORRHIZA. The fresh shoots of Kembu are cooked to make a curry), Kumme Curry( wild mushrooms), Baimbale Curry(bamboo shoots), Kumbala curry(Pumpkin Curry),Chekke Curry( raw jackfruit curry) Kaade Mange curry( wild mango curry), Koile Meene Curry( Tiny Fish curry)and many more wild and locally available greens and vegetables. Koovaleputtu (savoury item made from ripe jackfruit, steamed in banana leaves) is among the favorites.

The best part, these delicacies are always eaten with their favorite combinations. For example Kadambuttu & Pandhi curry Otti & Kumme Curry / Kembu Curry, Nooputtu & koli Curry etc…

Nooputtu & Koli Curry

Kadambuttu & Pandhi Curry

Most food cooked by the Kodavas is steamed as it is healthy and requires no use of oil. Rice is a staple and is grown locally; hence you see most food made with steamed rice. The food that Kodavas eat is grown by them or is the ones that are naturally available. The pattern of food eaten by the Kodavas is mostly to suit the cold climate and the availability in the region. Season dictates what the Kodavas eat. Bamboo shoots are out in the rainy season and that’s when we get fresh shoots which are chopped and soaked in water for 2 days before it is cooked. Mushroom sprout out after the first rains with thunder storms. Wild Mangos are plucked during May, the peak mango season and is also preserved in barrels of salt water for the rest of the year.

Apart from this, every Kodava is a coffee lover and freshly brewed filter coffee is a staple in every household. Black coffee with jaggery is also loved and has been a favorite traditionally. Coffee is widely grown in Coorg and is a major source of income and that proves their love for Coffee.

Kachampuli, black vinegar made from the kokum fruit is used to cook Pork curry and other non vegetarian delicacies as a substitute for Vinegar or Lime. Kachampuli and green chilies are used as it cuts fat in the body.

Kodavas are also known to make their own wine at home, be it rice, gooseberry, grapes or chikku. Most Kodavas make the best wine.

Ancient Kodava men went hunting for wild Boars. The meat would be sun dried and stored for the rest of the year. Wanke Pandi yarchi(dried pork meat) is one of the most savored dish among the Coorgs. Serve it with a glass of good wine or Whisky, and you wouldn’t see a happier face. Coorg men and women enjoy their drink as much as their food.

Born to a Kodava family, I couldn’t be more proud. One of the best cuisines’s; today, not just the Kodavas, but their food as well is popular.

Yercaud: Tamil Nadu

  After months of toiling we desperately needed a getaway. I looked for places close to Bangalore and found Yercaud is just about 5 hours drive. A hill station with Coffee & spice plantation and slight chilly climate is exactly what I was looking for to get away from this scorching Bangalore heat.
Yercaud is a beautiful hill station in Salem District of Tamilnadu state in South India. It is about an hour drive uphill from Salem City .The Drive up hill through the hairpin bends was quite dry as it was summer and the temperature was over 35 degree Celsius. But, surprisingly as we reached the top we were surrounded with greenery and there was a sudden dip in the temperature.
We stayed at the Sterling Resorts, which is on the western slope of the Shevaroy hills and the property serves you with the best view of greenery and the hairpin bends. As you watch the breathtaking view of the sun set, you feel the cool breeze hit on your face and that’s exactly what you need. You just cannot get enough of the cozy weather.  We were glad we did not need a fan or Air conditioner. All we did was spend some quality time and enjoyed the weather. The resort served some delicious food too.
Yercaud Lake is beautiful, calm and clean and a nice place to spend some time. There are a couple of view points around the town and they offer great views too.
Just the right place for a weekend romantic getaway and the right climate to escape from the summer heat. We were pretty pleased we experienced Yercaud.

Sun Set

Sterling Resorts

The View

View

Sunrise shadow

Now is the time…Maybe!!

Years have passed! I have been married for over 5 years, mother of a baby boy, went on a couple of vacations, changed jobs, moved cities and went through a lot of drama in life.

These ups and downs of life are what that teaches us to be better people. In fact, one thing I have learnt is to stop worrying and let go off people who don’t value you, easily said than done. But if practiced gives us a lot of peace of mind.

About 3 years back we moved to Bangalore. That was the time we were just settling down with our lives in Mysore .My job, though I didn’t like it much, was going well. My husband wasn’t very happy with his and we took a call to move to Bangalore and look for better career opportunities.

This was new for both of us. Bangalore was new, He had just landed in a job and I did not have one. We moved in to an extra room in one of the rented apartments of his uncles. We just had started looking for a house of our own. I stayed there for about 15 days; but those 15 days a lot changed in my life. From living in a 3BHK duplex to a 1 room, having a decent job to not being employed and struggling to find a job , having the facilities to cook and eat whatever I want to being dependent on a small restaurant and most of all worried about being able to manage our finances for the next couple of months. The Rent, the deposit, etc etc..

It wasn’t long, but I was scared every minute. I was scared if we would find a decent house, a job for me and so many things going on in my mind. But, very soon within those 15 days, I landed a good job, we found a beautiful home and moved in and our life just sprang back to normal; before we realized…

It was then I realized that destiny has its own plan. Worrying doesn’t help. And a feeling of how people manage their struggles sunk in a little. And most of all, the 15 days bought me closer to my husband.

When I think back now, it wasn’t real struggle…But being in that moment of worry it did feel like and having experienced that changed a lot of things for me. I have always believed that it’s the unexpected that changes our lives, Trust me, It so does!...So if we want to do something and we feel , now is the time…then so be it…

 

First sunset from my home in Bangalore